She Writes Lists

 

She makes a list of everything she remembers fondly from her memory, in the hopes it will convince her that new additions to the planet are worth while.

1. being wet as pajamas are tugged onto my body after a dusk swim, and feeling dry but mostly safe as my body warms on the couch.

2. the sound of adult voices as I drift off to sleep. Deeper tones than I’m used to, words I don’t understand like ‘government’, indignant’ and ‘crisis’. Words that carry weight and that I wonder if I will ever learn about.

3. a cackleing fire as I pretend to read a newspaper, while my grandfather reads a novel thicker than my thigh.

4. hoarding books off the bookshelf and setting them on a table, then charging a dollar for each book that is bought back by my parents.

5. faking sleep.

6. crying, and knowing that I will be comforted by adult.

7. high stakes while playing hide and seek.

8. drinking orange crush and checking to see how stained my upper lip is.

9. calling a best friend to see what she is wearing so that we can wear the same thing on the same day.

10. filling a back pack with items I deem important and grown up; like pencils, books I can’t yet read and a make up bag.

 She stars at the list and liks that it’s a list of 10, but wonders if she’s missing anything important. It would take some effort to make the list 11 or 12, wouldn’t sit well with her organized mind, but trusts that it is a list that is complete.

She wonders also if it’s worth making a list of things she remembers contemptuously, pissed-offedly, hatefully. She worries though that that list would be longer, faster to write down,  with too many memories to choose from, and thinks better of it. Maybe another day. Maybe on a day the good would certainly outweigh the bad. When dealing with such delicate issues like whether to have a baby, it would probably be best to wait until the sun is shining right above her, and everything smells of roses. Yes, life would look much more realistic through the eyes of a happy young woman. She would hold off on the list of sour memories.

She folds the piece of paper containing the happy words and tucks it into her back pocket.

 

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